Explanation

So why have I been bitchy lately? Well, the reasons are many and my own.

I have a rather headstrong, strict, OCD personality and I do not apologize for it.

As a child, my mother told me I was very obedient, observant, helpful and too trusting. I didn't know what she really meant. I just thought I had to be all these things because she loved me and would not be quick to be angry at me for whatever reason. Fast forward to my very early college years. Carolyn and I were best friends since the 7th grade; making our friendship 13 years strong. Well, you'd figure you trust your very best friend right? Things began to unravel. She began to have me pay for her things, which were quite expensive, and promised to pay me back. Well, that never happened. For example, for Christmas, she bought a pair of Via Spiga boots and "didn't have the cash on her" so I offered to pay with my credit card and "she'll pay me back when I got the bill". So when it came time to pay up, the bitch claimed I ate $250 worth of food from her family's restaurant. Whoa! It was a Chinese restaurant and I went about once a week. So basically, each bowl of noodles was $60! WTF! Then she began to turn on me by calling me a slut. "I was partying too much" and she was keeping an eye out on me for my mother, at my mother's request. Funny though, if I was a slut then so was she. She was my partying buddy!!! I hardly ever drank, we shared our outfits, and I was with the same guy for nearly 8 years! So who's the slut? So what a disappointment when your best friend turns into someone you cannot trust.

Secondly, my abusive ex pretty much brought out a person I never thought existed in me...a dark person. Things were hunky dory for the first 6 months. Things turned downhill quickly after. He somehow got his name in all of my credit cards and pink slip to my car. He took my paychecks. He was "safe keeping" my cash for me. I had "$5 a day for food. I had to fight to buy my groceries. We'd take turns paying for the groceries. When it was his turn, I would put something in the basket and he'd say we didn't need it. But when it was my turn to pay, most of the food was his and all I had was frozen food. Fair right? NOT!!! I had 2 jobs and had to wake up at 4am to get to the first one. He was a bartender and would come home at 230am and bug the crap out of me for a little something-something. Of course I wouldn't have it. Many times, I'd end up in the hallway of our apartment complex in my underwear because "I annoyed him". WTF!!! I'm the one who was asleep before your horny ass came home to bother ME! How is it my fault that I'm in the hallway?! All in all, this relationship turned very brutal, physical and very emotionally draining. He ended up in jail for domestic abuse and I had to stick around for several more months to get his name out of my credit cards, bank accounts and pink slip to my car, etc. As soon as that happened, I moved out.

There are many other instances which has jaded me from people but that's for another time.

I'm not a dark, moody person naturally. But my personal, past experiences taught me that the world is not all butterflies, unicorns and rainbows. I gotta stick up for myself and not let others even have the slightest chance to take advantage of me. When I do sense that something is about to happen or happened, that's when Bitchy me extends my claws. It's not pretty and yet I DO NOT apologize for being defensive and protective of myself and the ones I love. These walls were put up because I was and am tired of being taken advantage of.